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Monday, October 15th, 2007
12:42 am
I've got to move on and be who I am.

Thats a line from High SChool musical 2.
WHy the hell can't I answer the simple question of "Who am I?"



(And yes, this post is only here because I want to use my lovely new mood theme)

current mood: frustrated

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Thursday, September 6th, 2007
11:24 pm
Should emotions hit you like a wall, so hard and fast you don't see it coming? ONe moment your fine next you gasping for breath?
Maybe theres a better analogy (sp) than wall. Maybe it's like stepping in quick sand....... one minute nice walk next you sinking
Being hit by a car, nice jog then your blogging from hospital.
Maybe its being hit by lightning
or being caught by the tide.
Either way....should it feel like this?

(2 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, August 25th, 2007
11:57 pm

(comment on this)

11:56 pm

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11:54 pm - affirmation time
I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME,

(comment on this)

11:44 pm
"I'm being everything I hate.... everything I've complained to friends about. Paranoid needy. It's disgusting and as such I deserve to DIE" She snapped to her computer. Which as usual relayed her vocal message to her friend in text.

Don't be ridiculous no one deserves to die

"You don't really fucking know me then do you?" she snapped.

Calm down........

"You know at school a teacher described me as being like a chocolate, a firm shell with soft gooey centre.... yeah well now I'm just the empty damn shell"

current mood: bitchy

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11:36 pm
Song I'm feeling......
Dawns Ballet (think thats what it's called)

"Does anybody even notice? Does any body even care?"

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11:32 pm
Lalama winced as he dragged the blade across his pale forearms, he grabbed a bottle and held it next to the wound capturing ever last ruby bead.
He wanted to make Spike happy. He wanted Spikes love.
He wanted the feelings.

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11:28 pm
Ice penetrated deep into her lonely empty heart.
She felt nothing no pain no fear, whether she truely felt lonely she didn't really know. She wasn't sure if the ice even felt cold she felt nothing.
A weak smile crossed her face as she realised that in it's self was false. She felt, lost. Like her life, her soul was a jigsaw puzzle and too many pieces were missing for her to be able to see the picture. To feel it. To understand it.
So she sat watching life rush by in all of it's glorious colours as she sat in the empty, cold, wet, lonely dark.

current mood: empty

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
4:03 pm - lost girl
Officially she has depression, she knows its the truth. She feels its the truth yet some how to embrace this will make it more true. Will make those little white pills she takes every night some how more important.
The cold numbness wrapping around her it normal. It's normal to have drops of the cold that freezes her heart slipping out of her eyes and down her cheeks. It's normal when there is no reason. Isn't it?
So alone she sits in her cold icy prison. Icicles hanging from her eyelashes.

She sits.

She waits.

She waits for the darkness to warm the cold.

To welcome her into the eternal good night.

current mood: cold

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Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
11:29 pm
I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME, I HATE ME,

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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
4:32 pm
Barely breathing she lifted her head
Love had left her cold and empty in her bed
Alone in her room the blood flows
Cooling her body and letting her go
Killing her would have been kinder than leaving her alone.

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Friday, October 20th, 2006
4:55 pm
what does any one really care?
I'm beyond caring, in some ways this is the only journal (miss_sunny_dale aside) that I enjoy posting too, even kerr_behr kind of annoys me......
I hate me life
I hate Role playing, and I'm starting to hate the lunatic cafe.
Why do I bother?
Does any one care?
Do I?

Does anyone even like me?
I'm starting to think no.

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
4:05 pm - Sam
Sam Winchester was the younger of the two brothers.
He was the one that defied his father and left for college. He wasn't as good a fighter as his elder brother, he wasn't such a hot shot. He was slower, less agile, didn't have a head for tactics. Not like Dean, he couldn't even make decent fake IDs. Yeah he was better with Computers, and being sweet........ crap like that, but in their line of work what the hell did that matter?

So why was he the favourite?
Why was it Sam that John liked the most? why was it him that made him so proud?
Why did John have nothing but critizim for his elder son?
WHY?

Dean couldn't work it out. He couldn't understand.
After yet another daydream fantasy of slitting baby brothers throat ran through his head, the following guilt for the daydream hit hard. He was a bad person thinking such things of his brother.
He took the knife he'd spent so long shining, making perfect, only to have John critize. He held it over his wrist and cut deeply. So deeply he couldn't hold the knife to cut his other wrist.
Balancing the blade between his bare knees he slice the other wrist and let the knife fall. Let his blood pour, turning the water a deep red........

current mood: horny

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3:45 pm
She sat staring out of the window, maybe she was actually staring at the rain on the glass, in truth, she was staring at nothing her eyes were unfocused.
She was healthy, her blood pulsing steadily through her veins, air leaving and entering her lungs in a steady rate.
She was married, had two beautiful children, a gorgeous husband who made thousands modelling.
Her job kept her in designer clothes, her children in fashion with toys.

But she was dead inside, a hollow empty shell.
He saw that in her, saw his chance to crawl into this dimension.....
He looked upon her beauty and poured into her, coating and clinging as he went filling that emptyness. Making her whole. Making her dark.
He helped her and she helped him, feeding him with every drop of red that beaded on her skin and dripped into the warm bath water.

They would be together forever in an embrace closer than any lover.

current mood: lonely

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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
3:34 pm
She sat in the corner of her room arms tightly gripping her knees. They were after her, she didn't think it, she knew. She could feel it. And it was killing her. There was a sound from just outside her room and her eyes darted towards it, her room suddenly seemed so much bigger, so, intimidating. She pressed her face against her legs, tears wetting her jeans. "Please lord" she whispered "don't let them get me........"
There was a sudden bang on the door, the wood splintering, the door frame cracking. "No no no" she whimpered into her legs as he large cavanass room echoed the sounds towards her.

The truth was of course different. Her room was little more than a box it was so small, and she was alone in the house. The door wasn't being broken down. The house was silent and empty..........

current mood: crushed

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Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
4:22 pm - She wouldn't give up.
"Don't give up, there's hope" the words kept echoing through her mind like the lyrics of a particually annoying song. "Don't give up, there's hope......... I love you". Despite the chill that went deep into her body making her feel so numb, those words warmed her heart. Her fingers spread, feeling the snow that no longer melted under her touch. The snow her cold tired fingers no longer felt. She yawned her eyes closing the tears freezing her lashes together as she slipped first into shock, then unconsiousness. "Don't give up, there's hope........ I love you.... I'll see you again....... in the afterlife"

But he was wrong, she was alone, she lived and died alone. And the loneliness she felt deep into her heart, like the cold that touched her body followed her into the after life. Why would hell be warm and hot? When it was cold and alone she feared so much? When It was oblivion that terrorized her?

current mood: curious

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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
9:47 pm - Darkness
She walked through the shadows like a dancer, like she was moving to music only she could hear. The shadows slipped and shimmered around her like a silk scarf. The shadows followed her, moving behind her staying close. She paused for a moment, to look at the sudden incline before her, the whiteness of the bones that formed the sudden rise. She delicately placed a foot on it, a skull cracking beneath her pale foot, before carefully climbing. At the top she paused. She looked both ways before looking down. Her leaf green eyes took a moment to study the river just before her. She knelt carefully and dipped her delicate fingers into the thick liquid. She felt it's stickiness between her fingers, studying the redness. Before putting those fingers to her lips and carefully sucking and licking it off. She smiled, the blood was fresh..... She studied the River and smiled, fangs glinting against her blood red lips "home" she murmered.

current mood: uncomfortable

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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
10:30 pm - First post
Well this is the first post. I don't really know what I'm using this journal for. As I felt like calling it real_promise I feel inclinded to use it as the 'Dark shelley' journal.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. My Doctor wants to put me on Prozac. Then..... then there was a talk with Laura (Laura the nurse in training) I think we were talking about 'miss wonderful-my-idol-I-want-to-be' and she said it'll be good for me too see her or somethin' but it comes out she thinks I'm faking it. Faking being happy. Ok so yes I can actually feel a little blue...... but that's normal right? But she thinks sometimes I act happy so that I'll feel happy. Crazy huh? So I forget about it, or try too and get on with things. But on the way to the dentist (with mum) and it comes to mum so I tell her thinking this is crazy, and she AGREES! She's surprised laura thought it but she AGREES AGREES!!! I tell her that yes I'm aware sometimes I don't feel happy so I do Make myself feel happy by looking at pretty boys (god bless Ian S) or listening to music......... but It does make me feel a bit better.
But now.... Now I start to think I am depressed....... no one's disagreeing with the Doctor, seriously would one "No shelley you don't need prozac" hurt? Really..... and maybe it's not normal to be able to cry with out trying. Or to cry yourself to sleep. And maybe the obsession with blood and that is weird and wrong but still..... *sighs* ok so that's my thought for the moment. Let's see when the RP's start. Hehe

current mood: blah

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